h1

[lullaby]

October 18, 2010

The best part of your grace, the part that shocks me most of all is that even when I run too hard you never let me fall. I act like I’m some superhero–that’s never what you wanted. When am I going to grasp the fact that you’re everything I’ve wanted? You’ve only asked for me, unconditionally, running to you because you’re life to me, because you gave me another day, because I know in my heart you’re the only way, but right now I can’t even say you’re missing me because you’re always seeing the back of me while I walk, run, fly, look the other way.

I’m always such a busy body, always something new to do, when time demands me I don’t slow down and stand close to you. Even though you’ve got all my time in your hands, in all your plans, even though you’ve got my heart and soul on your mind– I fast forward and beg for you to rewind. Looks like I’ve been living like a mastermind, but I’ve been too foolish to let you in, and now I’m lost without you,  tripping over my own feet, laying in my own street, tired of running away from you, apart from you, begging for a new start from you, but too tired to even look you in the eye, too broken to cry, too exhausted to hurt, and almost too spent to try…and for who? Just for me, but look where it’s brought me–tired, worn out, heart-aching and in danger of losing myself, when all I need is you.

I’m glad you don’t react like I do when I do something stupid–I’m glad I don’t have to fear you, because you’re not shouting me down. You just miss me and you frown and wonder when I’m going to come back down to earth and set my eyes on your heavenly love again, the deep love that keeps me frantically breathing in, the heart that thirsts because you made it to, hoping that I would love you and thirst for you.

Now I’m waking up, after hours without sleep, deep in thought about the time that I keep and how little of it I give to you. Day after day I run myself ragged, I run my treads smooth–in the end it’s only a reason to hold pride, a false strength that I’m trying to prove. Now I confess, I’m a mess, but that’s ok with you, because all you ask of me is a heart that’s true, a heart that’s sold out for you, and I know that it’s due. I know that as I come here on my knees, begging you please for another chance, another touch of your grace, another chain to be broken so I can dance, you’ll go with your grace, put your hands on my face, touch my heart and make me new.

Invade my heart, and show me the ugly parts–I want to see the walls that break up me and you, so I can quit breaking my heart being far away from you. I don’t know what to say except I’m sorry, I don’t know what to do but to love you, and I thank you that you’ll take me just as I am, because with all of my so-called pride, I know I can cast it all aside, because I’m nothing without you.

So break my pride, from the inside–without your love I’ll never get through. I never thought I’d get so conceited–I know you spoke to my heart while it was breaking and after these days of aching I feel how far I was from you…so I’m asking you, while you’re healing me, make me new–make me like somebody I deep down adore and let down before–make me just like you. I only want to be like you. It’s going to take awhile but you will bring me through, tried with fire like gold because I’m precious to you–and you’ll take away all the ugly and the shame and the heart aimed for fame, and you’ll make me like you.

I’ve taken a moment to confess all the mess in me, and I hear you saying, “Rest in me” while you hold my heart that’s all worn, I feel you close to me, like a blanket over me making my cold limbs warm. While I sleep, Lord, my tired soul to keep–help me remember my promise to you, Lord, all that I’ve written you–I want to do! I need you like the rest I seek, so please make what’s weak in me strong in you.

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